 do you parent a child or adolescent whose loved one or friend has died? How can you understand what to expect, what to say, and what to do? 10 Steps is a sensitive, to-the-point guidebook that uses a combination of empathetic descriptions, clear explanations, illustrative stories, and practical suggestions to aid you on your journey. It includes special sections for parenting children grieving the loss of a brother or sister, loss from suicide, multiple losses, and loss of someone killed by another person, as well as a short section on trauma.
With your help, the children you love can continue their growth, telling a story of their lives that includes nourishing memories and a sense of themselves as strong, resilient, caring people. This book is the perfect resource for parents, grandparents, loving relatives, and caring adult friends--and also for teachers and other professionals helping children and parents with loss and grief. |
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There was a suicide at my daughter's school last week. The young man who died seemed to have everything going for him. How do I talk to my daughter about this death? |
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If your daughter is open to talking about the death of her schoolmate, listen carefully to her feelings about the loss and let her know that you're hearing what she has to say. Ask what she believes happened to her friend and be prepared to listen and respond, without judgment or shock. Accept whatever feelings she expresses—and she may have a whole range of them. That's to be expected.
Most suicides are the result of some form of depressive illness (including bipolar illness). If your daughter brings up depression, that gives you an opening for discussion. If not you may want to ask, "Do you think your friend could have been having difficulties with depression?" Let your daughter know that depression can affect a person's thought process, making him believe that what's wrong, troublesome, or frightening
to them will never get better. Talk about how depressed thinking can lead a person to make a mistake. Do not say that the person who died was wrong or weak or selfish. While we are always respectful and kind in how we talk about the person who died, we don't want to romanticize suicide. One reason we're all so sad is that her friend didn't see the alternatives, such as getting help, that would have helped him get through this period of deep depression—and now he doesn't have the chance to try different strategies that might have worked for him.
We started by assuming that your daughter was willing to talk about the death of her schoolmate and we know that some teens may be resistant to talking with parents about this kind of loss. If your child is reluctant, it's still a good idea to check in with her about what's happened. The conversations may be relatively short and may occur over a period of time, but it's important to have them. It may help to encourage her to write about her thoughts and feelings.
You'll also want to find out if there are support services available at school (or in your community) and whether or not your child is accessing help. Some children and adolescents are more willing to talk with peer acceptance and support.
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